The perilous journey towards enlightenment.

19 min readDec 3, 2020


I have apprehensions towards speaking about me ‘becoming enlightened’.

Many delusional people make such claims. In the hierarchy of mad obstentatious claims about oneself, this has to be all the way to the top.

And my story, is pretty much a crazy one. So you know… Still saying.

This would mean that I experience something somewhat similar to what we ascribe happened to the prince Siddharta before he became THE Buddha.

Or what Jesus experienced before he became THE Christ.

Different traditions have different perspectives on what it means to be ‘enlightened’.

So I will try to be clear and describe my experience as the one concieved by Wilhelm Reich Once you remove all energetic blockages in your body and mind, the light comes in. And also potentially as the alchemical/gnostic perspective on the subject: Through knowledge aquired from a variety of challenging experiences leading to ‘gnosis’. Perhaps that one too. Or perhaps I’m just getting my shit together after years of madness. One of those.

I’m not done yet. I’m still on this journey, but I’ve witnessed my beingness shift dramatically in the last two years. Kick-started by a rebirth during an Ayuaska ceremony. I was being swallowed by negative energy. But then the light came in.

I’ve done a lot of work over the years, trying to reach far and wide instead of specialising, so as to gain an overall perspective, through study ( Religions, shamanism, psychology, hypnotherapy, ritual magick, alchemy, energy healing, storytelling, screenwriting, mythological studies and more…) and direct experience via meditation, plant medicine, honesty practice and a practice of my own making that I call ‘Ideonautic’. A way to navigate “the world of ideas” as I thought it years ago. What some would call the Akashic records.

My personal intention was to be working on a new science of exploration of the inner deep-space. ‘Becoming more enlightened’ was more of a byproduct than my original aim. But it’s nice.

My bumpy ride into to the inner space

First you have to consider what I’m gonna say next with a very open mind. Consider that every perspective is valid. It’s a thing. Please Hold judgement for a little, and instead of considering the references to metatron, god and other entities as true literally, consider it as ‘metaphors’. The ideological world is such that you only get to represent in your mind snapshots of the real experience. You don’t see the real thing. There’s a medium in between this world, and the world beyond (The world of ideas, the spectral realm), which is what metaphors are. And while my resolution of things is increasing progressively, there’s still noise on the line.

Level 0: Hello world

12 years ago, I had a very profound spiritual experience. It was the first time I tried psychedelics AND edible weed all at once. Understatement to say I went on a complete rocket ship inside my own head. From ground control to major deep inner/outer space.

It’s as if I was connected to the database of life and was sent on a personal mission to explore uncharted ideological territories. Sent by ‘Metatron’ to bring about a shamanistic renaissance in the west. I didn’t know this guy, but apparently he’s a big deal in the esoteric world.

So I went from more than atheist… I was Absolutely Anti-theist.

Imagine, I had a Techno-punk band where I was singing: “Kill this fucking god, I want some action!”.

Here was the cover of the first album:

This was my idea of what humanity was like. Addicted to money and drugs. Sick to death.

I saw everyone as manipulated by their religious beliefs and the pharmacy/industrial/mediatic/capitalistic complex. Having money as religion, and justifying their non-sense through made up belief system designed to keep people docile, a few rich and many poor. So the idea of god was to me like a virus to take care off. The dogma that clogged people’s minds. I did believe in rationality, acceptance of people’s differences and using our minds wisely. I was into Nietzche, Descartes and Diogenes.

But then, my whole perspective on reality change on that day where time and space became very very relative concepts. I wonder if it’s my cursing of god that actually got me into that path. As if it was the most counter-intuitive open-sesame to go on a spiritual adventure.

After that I became something else…

Level 1: Let there be light

The most beautiful experience someone cannot even conceive. Some people think of the worst, but rarely are we able to think about the very best. This was it. The absolute best state of beingness I could never imagine even existed.

All was fine just the way it was. It was beyond ‘just ecstasy’. Perhaps Nirvana? Absolution? Enligthnement ? Who knows. It’s always hard to put words on something that unfathomable. Words are a limitation that can only point towards, never define.

But it was a state of beingness that was like reaching the rooftop of what one can experience when it comes to positive vibration. So after that, any other ways of beingness were lower shades of grey.

After that I was on a happy plane for years, where I created a start-up that helped a lot of people in art therapy, but failed from a capitalistic agenda. My blissfulness faded away through the years but for a while my experience was full of meaning and beauty, no matter how challenging it was. It’s the processing of the experience that made it good. Not the experience itself. When you feel safe and good you have the force with you, You seek a great challenge. If life is too easy, it’s boring.

But The initial bliss was just a teaser for what my life could be if I followed the right path, a sample, but I had a load of work to do to have it again on more sustainable terms.

Level 4: Downloading…

After the blissful period came the channeling period. I had been given privileged access to the rules of reality. Except my human limitation would allow me to absorb a little bit at a time. It seems as if I’m still unpacking what happened 12 years ago. So for years I’ve been writing down compulsively wisdom that I unlocked at that time. In completely disorderly fashion. Whatever comes. I have thousands of pages written. So much that my challenge is to synthesize the whole thing to keep it simple.

My aim was and still is to get my way back up to the light without using any catalysts (psychedelics or plant medecines). That bliss state. Because, who wouldn’t want to live ecstatically all the time! But I have to deserve it by achieving key miletstones and heal. Heal. Heal. Heal. Like a vaccuum cleaner for negative energy. Heal myself, heal others. One shamanic burp at a time. Going up and up. Focusing on myself. From that wild experience moving on, I didn’t operate just for myself, I worked for Metatron. Like a Paladin/Spiritual Alchemist. My earthly jobs were just being necessities and a cover which I discarded for a year to focus on my spiritual journey. So it’s fair that I would get a fantastic reward for a mighty quest.

I got back to that blissful state two years ago during that Ayuaska ceremony…! Hurrah!… I was riding the world with so much joy, fun and happiness! Except no one else than me seemed to be in that constant ecstatic state. I felt almost everyone was miserable to some degree. Even those who look happiest. Especially those ones actually! Smiling is a great cover for inner sadness. So it got me down. Lot of empathy towards people who are suffering isn’t fun at all actually. Feels more like clarity combined with empathy is a godamn curse.

…and then I went further down the drain few months later.

Level 5: Welcome to the real world

It’s the rollercoaster of life I suppose.

That’s when the shit really hit the fan.

During a trip to Glastonbury on Easter. Crazy things happened. I went haywire in Chalice Well and next thing I know I’m being canonised as a Saint against my will, right in front of the White Spring. What???

Like…woooo. Wait a minute. What is going on again?

I don’t want to be a Saint. I’m not even christian. And I don’t want to be one. I hate labels. Then I’m being told “It’s gonna rain for 7 days”. That whole event happened like a symphony of doings that people themselves were performing, saying and singing not aware of the whole narrative which made sense only to me. The protagonist of unaware cast members. Like a dance of life itself with a puppet master at the helm. That’s why I felt it had to come from above. A force controlling individuals at scale without their awareness and expressing itself through them via metaphors that only I could decipher cause it related to my personal experience. What???

Then I understood what was meant by “It’s gonna Rain for 7 days”.

Back in London…

Crazy shit happened for 7 days.

My body was being lead by an invisible force, like a magnetic inner-compass that I feel in my guts that was a bit painful if I didn’t follow it and nice if I aligned with it and went with the flow. So eventually, fully synchronised with that magnetic flow, I was able to do extra-ordinary things.

I climbed on top of a London building with my bare hands, jumped from rooftops to rooftops like Neo, broke a top window, made a split before landing on a staircase armrest, had a really odd encounter with myself through the elevator’s mirrors. That’s where the mind control happened, working through some smell and maybe an electromagnetic force behind the mirrors too? Who knows?

A while later the elevator door opened in the basement of what I later learnt was the Tavistock institute. I knew nothing about this place, and yet apparently it is the epicenter of UK secret mind control operation. Yeah, I know right. Hard to believe.

Moving on…

There I met people who were really mind controlled, literally. Like a software bug in their brain. Me, I was more like body-lead and able to resist the mind control if I wanted to but I let it happen just for fun, like a spy of spies. I let my body infiltrate the place and I was spectating the whole thing. I let it go. Which was different. It was like a symbiotic relationship with the godforce energy that led me there. Like I agree not to consciously intervene in exchange for a rollercoaster ride. It’s like, “Hey real guy above, I lend you my body for a while, do what you need to do with it”.

And the way I was able to get out is also funky as hell. It’s as if I was able to tap into a super-smart trickster like persona. A bit like Tyler Durden in Fight Club. Using humor and deception to being gently taken out of the building and released by the police without trouble.

Other weird things happened which would take an entire book to present… For instance I pissed on the supreme court door. I was chased by the police for being fully naked in public posing as Adam with an Apple in Marble Arch during Extinction Rebellion... That kind of fun stuff. But some less fun stuff happened too. It’s like being the puppet squeezed into two different forces. One of nature VS the mind-controlling elite… Whatever that was! I still don’t know what it’s all about! Someone tell me.

Experiencing things in only in my mind was something, but now shit got ‘real’. So that got me into the mental asylum. I thought I must have been mind controlled by MK Ultra shit or something. But then I thought it didn’t explain the whole story, I must be in the Truman show. It had to be. Couldn’t be real. Because after that… It’s as if everyone and every institution was against me.

Like a ridiculous series of unfortunate events for which I was just a victim of, and I had to take the heat with style. Life in hardcore mode. It’s as if the parasitic force that resides in everyone (There’s a single one entity that everyone is connected to in the end of the mind control food chain, who the gnostics believe is the demiurge/satan/the architect in the Matrix) was at odds against me. Abusing me.

Like The Architect/Lord business being like “You mess with my stuff? I’m the boss, I mess with you” on one side and mother Earth/Metatron on the other.

So it was really tough times. Cool times too. Scary too. But anyway…

Back to 12 years ago,

Level 2: Prophecies

After the light, came the prophetic visions, that are still coming true to this day. It’s like being Emmet from the Lego movie. I saw the future as vignettes of my life that was being written in advance with me as an unaware protagonist. Which I only remember glimpses off. But those glimpses are opening up to gain precision.

So in my current everyday reality, I often experience ‘Deja-vu’ and sometimes ‘pre-cognition’; it’s more like I remember something I already processed long ago. I remember people which I just met; yet they don’t remember me. Or I foresee encounters with people, It’s like I already know them. Go figure!

The fun part is that this remembrance comes on a ‘Need-to-know’ basis.

It’s a very intricate script where my actions change based of the temporal information that I recieve.

Sometimes it comes ‘After’ the facts. Sometimes ‘Before’ the facts.

Like a selective amnesia. A memorial steering wheel designed to get me to do whatever it wants me to do which is my higher calling from above. I just have to go with the flow and figure out what it wants of me, which is also what I wanted to begin with. I signed up for it. I just don’t remember what I signed up for. That’s the joke. If you know the end of the movie it’s not fun.

But it’s like my higher self co-wrote the script while my lower self is the protagonist who would eventually re-synchronise itself with my higher self. And that’s what seems to be happening to me nowadays. Doing a synthesis.

A battle between the dark and the light not only in my head but in physical reality since the last two years and manifested through people’s unconscious actions.

Some friends, some foes. But never benign co-relationships. I haven’t known consistent normality of experience with other human beings in two years. Crazy shit followed wherever I went.

Some friends had become foes, and that’s sad for me, the dark side seems to take over people close to me for some reasons. And I don’t understand their grudges or apprehensions. I think it’s the narcissist, the ego.

It knows how to find me. Like Agent Smith always finds Neo. But With a bit of a delay.

They are pissed off by me for various reasons, but main one is… No one likes to hear the truth. When you radiate that kind of energy. Anger comes back to you.

Truth can be the most hurtful thing to hear. And you have to channel that negativity somewhere. So you’ve heard “Don’t shoot the messenger”. Well it’s a saying for a reason. Maybe, I got to experience that stuff and got privileged access to the akashic records simply because I’m able to handle the truth and being bullied for speaking it.

I know thing about people more than they know themselves sometimes. And I’ve got a hyper-sensitive bullshit detector. I know when people lie or are misguided. They don’t. They’re oblivious to it a lot of the time. I know it sounds pretentious, arrogant…

I know it sounds crazy, but hey… I’m done trying to prove or disprove my sanity. I’m crazy if you want. And I’ve been sectioned too, so there’s my badge of honour. I spent time in a psychiatric ward. Not just psychiatric hospital if you see what I mean. So It’s official, I’m crazy in the eyes of the UK government and it’s ok. I’m fine with it. I believe our modern justice/psychiatric system is sick. There is little social justice in reality in UK. It’s an insane ponzi scheme with very few winners. So being sane in that kind of madness is not a sign of health to me.

Level 6: Energetic inner-fight.

So after that very distressing experience I’ve been trying to get back up again.

Seems like crazy shit have settled down since I left Avalon aka Glastonbury.

This time, it’s a physical battle. It’s pain/blocks in my body I need to release. And so this time my weapons are my hands, crystals, magnets, orgone and a good alimentation. So as to tackle the inflamation/blocked Qi energy in my body. The more stuff I unlock, the more Qi flows which I can channel with my hands. So I can self-heal. I found wild horses, Aloe Vera, pointy-shaped silver but especially Moldavite to be the most healing energies around I can tap into using just my hands.

The more energetic blockages I release, the more stuff I remember… It’s fun to hear my organs fluids being released and stiff joints cracks.And when it does, I gain more elastic stretch, more agility and more sensitivity.

Dark stuff

So before coming back to the light, as it seems is what is occuring to me now, I had to face the darkness. Deep deep darkness. All the way down. It is literally like experiencing the apocalypse in my mind, being tortured or myself being controlled against my will to do unspeakable things… The whole range of worst possibilities especially catered for me, That kind of things.

Dark stuff.

Like simulations that your body doesn’t really make the difference if it’s real or not. It’s mental torture to the next level. Like playing a Virtual Reality sick game especially designed to crush your willpower.

Except I’ve always been a video game/virtual reality champion. And a great challenger at whatever dream I’m being thrown at. Lucid dreaming championship. I’ve always enjoyed going “Into the cave that you fear”, Knowing that there lies “the treasure that you seek” (Joseph Campbell). Hence why I’ve been a subconsciously willing participant into that insane enterprise. It seens pretty masochistic but when you’re detached from it, you know it’s just non-sense, it’s more like a scary movie. And there’s an aim to it. It’s not gratuitious.

With trauma occurs a dissociation. Your body disconnecting from your mind. They’re not fully in sync. The information is stored in the body so when you unblock the fascia where the blocks are, the memory comes back, you’re more in sync. But while you do so, you have to also do some metaphysical work as well. Heal the body, heal the mind… On and on… Increasing your synchronisation so eventually, you’re on the same frequency as with the rest of the universe. You fixed the noise on the line.

Some really tough memories came back at times. Like really tough ones. Some are real, some aren’t. Sometimes I had to really puzzle it back to sort things out. As everything feels real. Even your nightmares as a child traumatise you. I think that’s at that age that the entity gets us, like in the matrix. Through dreams. Then we get enslaved… forever. That’s why Morpheus is the mister sandman who give you clarity about the nature of the nightmares. But you have to deal with your demons yourself. He can only show you the way.

And like the matrix, there’s a guy on top of the pyramid. The Eye in the sky.

You know the eye on the top of the Illuminati pyramid.

The All-seeing. All-judging eye.

Not your friend.

Level 2: The dark lord.

I don’t really quite know what the heck it is, but I’ll call it the dark lord. Satan if you like who claims to be the christian/muslim god. But it’s not the real god. It’s only godly in term of its ability to mess up with all of humanity’s belief systems at once and make Legos out of them (aka Lord business). That’s why everyone is so stuck up and mistake labels for truth. We’re all on someone else’s script unknowingly.

Working on the metaphysical level towards enligthenement is like having an inception with the devil itself. So first I had to go to the darkest corners of my mind. I think Buddha had a similar kind of story, but different metaphor.

I also had to face the trickster up blocking the way towards the light. Mine personal one is the ‘Emperor’ and collectively perhaps it’s symbolised as Cthulu. Like a tentacular entity that controls everything with virtual tentacles. Hence the giant octopus of the illuminati, The Kraken, It’s got many faces because we can’t see it, so you never know what it looks like. You can only find metaphorical approximations of it. But it’s got tentacles.

Since I can only access mental constructs about that entity, to me the closest mental representation of his physical body that you are familiar with would be…

The emperor in Star Wars… Yep.

But even closer for some weird reasons is The Lord Commander in Final Space (Which is a really odd show to be honest, not that amazing at first sight). To me the Devil/Demiurge/Satan/God is so much like that character. A telekinetic/psychokinetic entity somewhere in deep space. Perhaps Saturn? (Hence Satan?). And it wants absolute control. It’s that bad of a thing. It never surrenders, It doesn’t want to bargain. It wants power and that’s it.

To me, the demiurge looks very much like that Lord Commander guy.

Enligthenement is perhaps also when you experience total darkness and maintain enough sanity to tell the tale, so not everyone makes it. Others become psychotic, schizophrenic or whatnot. Like Jung/Freud notion of shadow work, basically. Except you meet it on concrete terms. So you have to be really grounded and resilient. It’s quite fun.

Once you imagined your deepest darkest fears and you experienced some of them in real life and rolled with it, after that, life is easier. Everything’s fine. You forgive everyone, you’re cool with everything. Most things are no big deal actually. People get upset about meaningless stuff. And that’s actually the most upsetting thing there is to me. Life is bliss. We’re so lucky to have all we have.

You become the opposite of paranoid too. You trust people so much, they are paranoid about your intentions because of the mirror neurons. Their perspective of you, is a reflection of themselves. When you’re clean and they’re not. They’ll project upon you their own insecurities. So there’s a second level at play here once you’re healed. Then you have to deal with other people’s bullshit on a constant basis. So it’s an other next level battle…

Then you realise everyone is also in a mental prison, and yet unaware of it. So you feel like a total weirdo to almost everyone and everyone seems strange to you. You have to re-adjust yourself to a new way of being.

Oh and also that’s when my spiritual healing abilities happened. Just through saying the right words. I compulsively wanted to help people, it’s like I knew exactly what to tell them that would heal their souls, like channeled words. And many people who accepted my help went on to massively improve their lives. Some perhaps I could say I saved their lives. But some are too afraid and I can’t help them. It’s fear that stop people.

After I faced my fears, processed the gazillion of wisdom downloads I’ve recieved, I had to still heal the physical pain, as I retrieve more sensation, I feel more. I noticed my body was entirely inflammed (But hey, everyone’s body is too! No one knows it though). So it’s about taking care of that. If everyone’s fucked up by a parasite, it’s software stored on the hardware.

Adventures in Glastonbury

I’ve been living in Glastonbury in the past year, the capital of New age, esoterics, spiritual teachers, healers and whatnot. It’s known for being the legendary island of Avalon where the legends of king Arthur took place.

Also there lies the first church that Jesus built and the ‘heart chakra’ of the earth. There’s something quite special about that place that’s hard to pin point.

Mystical encounters happen over there constantly. It’s like the coincidence settings of life are turned up to 11. Hard to comprehend. Especially for someone who think of oneself as rational.

I collected a fair amount of wisdom from people I met over there, and It seemed the serendipities were curated by Gaia herself. I met so many interesting folks, perhaps enlightened in their own ways. Which may not be like mine but I recognize the peculiar spark in their being-ness. Avalon attracts those kind of souls. That’s true. All the colors are represented.

I also met people who pose themselves as enlightened when it seems to me they’re more like alcoholic junkies with a broken heart who hammer goodness just as to not fall off the rock. In my humble opinion, if you still hold grudges against anyone and are still enslaved bythe drinking demon, you still have some work to do. You may speak good words of peace, love and whatnot, but pretty words aren’t always concurrent with the energy. I can tell when people wear masks… But they just can’t. It’s a funny thing.

I’ve met non-alcoholic folks, more on the stoner kind who’re competing on saying loving things as well or being humble and say nothing. But I don’t know, it feels ‘cooked’. Energetically speaking. How to explain? Other kind of masks, the king/queen of coolness. An other kind of posturing.

Perhaps there are some really enlightened souls there that just are too humble to present themselves as such. Possibly. There are really cool and wise people over there too. I met one guy who looked like a junky and lost most of his teeth but I thought he’s the real deal when it comes to being ‘enlightened’. I could feel real sparkle in his eyes and soul. What a beautiful being. And he has been a fantastic mentor to me and a gift to humanity. His name is David.

To me, being enlightened isn’t like what modern Buddhist think that it is. You know… Meditate, say good things, don’t eat meat, avoid saying bad things, or say nothing, stay zen and still… For me It’s more being fully concurrent with yourself and having dealt with the part of life that isn’t very glamourous through experience. And it’s about balance. It’s never absolute that you need to be this or that. It’s the opposite of being an archetype. They all try to emulate what they think buddha looked like when in reality, they should stop emulating anyone but embodying who they are. So everyone who’d re-open the light would shine of a different color. Like the trolls. Basically. You find your true colors. Again.

For me it would be violet, like that guy. It’s mental clarity, the energy to truth, but also bitterness sometimes. But poppy is the opposite. Everyone’s got their own light. And that’s what’s beautiful. So stop trying to emulate Jesus or Buddha to think that’s what being enlightened is. I think If there would be an enlightened spiritual leader coming into existence, It would be someone like poppy. Where are you Poppy?

It’s about time we have a feminine spiritual leader bringing light to the world. Maybe I’m a grumpy troll, even with more light in. The world needs all kind of trolls, different lights, different vibrations. And I’m sure that what the esoteric world has been talking about as a new age of enligthenement in line with solar activity, is the story of the trolls. More people are gonna enlight soon. It’s just an impression, not a truth. We should all be singing and hugging like them. The more you enlight, the more behaving like those trolls make sense. We should all hug and support one an other. We should not try to control each others. And it’s ok if you love more than one person. Actually, It’s very good and healthy. It’s suppose to be this way if you think that the highest vibration is love. No one belongs to anyone. Enlightened beings are always polyamorous. Loving everyone to various degrees. We’re all trolls. Except if you’re a burgon trapped in your egocentric narrow-minded miseries.

Maybe It’s the narrative that has been chosen to introduce the next human leader into the world. You know, the prophecy to introduce the new chosen ones and way of being more in tune with nature and love. Poppy! I think she’s in California. Maybe. At this point, I don’t really know why I’m saying what I’m saying. I’m just saying.

I’m probably the dark troll.




A Human being who likes to make sense of everything.